Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
