i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
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