She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
