I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
