I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
