I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
