Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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