what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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