you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
