shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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