Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
No stitches, just platelets and will power
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
