Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
is that a dick in a sweater?
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
