I cannot find my penis.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
