Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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