Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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