Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
