Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
