I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
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