Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
