I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
