I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
i think i just lost a toe
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
