Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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