I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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