Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
