I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
