so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
