Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Randomize
