wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
