Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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