Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
