did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
