sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize