we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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