What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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