I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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