I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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