you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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