how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
