Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize