My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Someone came in the potted fern
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
