Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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