so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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