after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
