i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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