Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
