Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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