I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
