You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
