We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
