They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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