I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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