My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
