is your mom at the bar?
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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