I am full of burrito and curiosity
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Randomize
