Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
