i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize
