Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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