Just cropdusted the office
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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