I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
a search helicopter?!
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
