The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
