Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Randomize
