If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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