Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize