remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
operation harelip BJ is a go
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
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