The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
