so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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