do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
