the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
