I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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