you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
