Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
