I used to have a blog that was basically all about ****** and all of his sexual misadventures
I mean it made tucker max look like a fucking alterboy
But unfortunatley his mom did a google search and found it
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
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